A right to have fun
June 24, 2004
AAAAAAAAAAAAAH
Feeling incredibly tired and stressed and unhappy. I felt so ill last night and the night before, so unbearably sad. I hate what's happening, that my father is so stinky and mean and that he shows so little love and understanding. Okay he has other kids these days and a new family and other involvements, I understand that, heck I even like them and spend time with them and send them presents. But I'm his oldest, and you'd think he'd have a special place for me somewhere? I think this week has been about coping with rejection. I sent him a long email this morning explaining that what he'd offered to contribute was so far from realistic (without actually saying it or asking for more). It's taken me days to draft something tactful! I have no idea what his reaction will be. Anger, remorse, indifference.. I expect he'll think I'm selfish and pushy. Maybe I am in this case, but it seems like a normal thing for a father to want to give his daughter a reasonable wedding, especially since I don't have millions of dollars to hand. Anyway. I said in my message that I'd call him later so I will, although it's going to be the hardest thing in the world. I hate the idea of him being angry at me, or at him trying to bully me into doing things I don't want to do. I hate asking for money too, hate it more than anything, but this is the only time I've ever asked him.I just don't understand, and it's left me feeling really wiped out and achey. Am I that repulsive? Do I mean that little? Or is he just so out of touch he genuinely thinks $1000 buys everything these days? I said a small wedding, but not minute! We have such big families too, it seems hard to have to reduce it to three people!
Anyway. I will shut up, it's not attractive to keep moaning.
I feel so bad for Mr, too. What must he think he's marrying?! I can't WAIT for his family to meet my father. It will be the most embarrassing moment of my entire life. I had a weird dream last night, I don't usually remember them but it had a deer and a fox in it, the deer was being hunted by the fox and I was trying to save it and eventually did. I expect that means I will achieve world domination after all!!!!!!!!!!! :-)